


Bon Anniversaire, Mon Cheri

by Opulence



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Christmas, I know Levi isn't French but why the hell not, I promise, Levi's Birthday, M/M, Speaking in French, no graphic depictions of death, spoilers up through chapter 52
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 21:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1111717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opulence/pseuds/Opulence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No, he’s not alone. The realization loosens his chest and he takes a slow, deep breath, fills his lungs, and breathes out the frustration that he has caused himself within the last few minutes. There is someone who understands. There is someone who lost his squad, who made decisions that cost him the lives of his men, who has been called a heartless monster, and who carries the weight of humanity on his shoulders. </p><p>Levi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bon Anniversaire, Mon Cheri

**Author's Note:**

> The always lovely Shiie (ephri.tumblr.com) gave me a beautiful prompt a bit of time ago that I simply couldn’t refuse, and it became a collaboration very quickly. I will link the art here when it’s posted, I do hope you all enjoy this. 
> 
> (We all know that Levi isn’t French, but it doesn’t stop it from being a cute headcanon. :3)
> 
> Merry Christmas and happy birthday, Levi. <3
> 
> You can see the /incredible/ art that Shiie drew for this here: http://tessellation.co.vu/post/71123063763/collab-with-the-amazing-opulence-for-a-fic-that
> 
> And the post on tumblr is here: http://rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com/post/71111039969/the-always-lovely-shiie-gave-me-a-beautiful-prompt

He’s so tired of everyone around him dying.

The death toll is still rising steadily, but the last projected estimate supported Jean’s claim: the vast majority of military police members have been wiped out, and with them over half of the involved soldiers have fallen. Hannes had been killed before his eyes, Mikasa badly wounded, and Erwin,  _Commander Erwin_ , had lost an arm and fallen unconscious. They’d only been able to discuss the circumstances at the wall for a short amount of time before they’d been ordered to return to headquarters to recover and wait for further orders, and unfortunately for him, the traveling time is sobering and it gives him far too much time to torture himself with his thoughts and memories.

Naturally, he blames himself. He always has blamed himself, and he always will blame himself. He’s angry. He’s absolutely  _livid_  that he’d done nothing productive sooner, that he hadn’t been able to save his mother, Levi’s squad, Hannes, or any of his fellow soldiers. He’d only realized that he could’ve helped them when it had been too late, when over half of the soldiers were already dead. He’d gotten captured again, the situation had been his fault and he wouldn’t ever forget that. Lives had been lost trying to protect and save him, trying to fix mistakes he’d made, and trying to prevent anything from happening to him. They’d all sacrificed themselves for his sake. He would avenge them, he would ensure that Wall Maria was sealed and the people that had betrayed humanity would pay… But for now, as they return to the castle in somber silence, Eren is just tired.

He glances over and finds Armin walking dejectedly beside Jean, who is mumbling something quietly. Something that he says manages to pull a small smile out of Armin and Jean can’t help but smile too; Eren can only assume that they’re finding comfort in having someone to talk to that understands. At that moment he feels a twinge of jealousy in his chest and he looks at Mikasa, who is sleeping soundly in the wooden cart just in front of him. She’d always been his support system. He’d always been able to confide in her and she’d always known when he was upset or angry before he’d even said anything. They’d always been so close, but lately, he feels disconnected and it bothers him. It’s not a strong disconnection by any means, he would still sacrifice himself in a heartbeat to save her because she’s his family, but since the day that he’d been brought to the castle alone, something had changed. Now she’s sleeping, unavailable when he needs someone, like some sort of sick symbolic joke. 

He’s jealous because he feels like shit and wants to be able to talk to someone who understands him, and it slowly settles in that none of his friends can offer that to him anyway. None of them fully understand the weight of the decisions that he’s made and how heavily they’ve settled on his shoulders. They can’t identify with the fact that he has been personally responsible for the death of hundreds, that he made decisions that have allowed the death of his squad, or that he has been seated at a table with the greatest soldiers that the scouting legion has and then he’d sat alone the very next time he’d eaten. He couldn’t ever hope to find solace with his friends and while it’s disheartening, he’s glad that nobody else feels this way. This is a burden that nobody deserves to bear, especially not those closest to him. 

He clenches his fists at his sides and trains his eyes on the ground, away from Armin and Jean and Mikasa, away from the battered survivors, away from everything that reminds him that he’s at fault and angry and  _alone-_

No, he’s not alone. The realization loosens his chest and he takes a slow, deep breath, fills his lungs, and breathes out the frustration that he has caused himself within the last few minutes. There  _is_  someone who understands. There is someone who lost his squad, who made decisions that cost him the lives of his men, who has been called a heartless monster, and who carries the weight of  _humanity_  on his shoulders. 

_Levi._

Their first meeting had been unpleasant at best, there is no doubt about that. Eren _still_ has hypnogogic jerk dreams that center around the way that Levi’s foot had collided with his jaw. He genuinely understands the circumstances now, though. He hadn’t always. It would be a lie to say that Eren hadn’t harbored slight animosity toward Levi for the weeks following the courtroom incident. Thankfully, it had been buried too deeply beneath both intimidation and respect to prompt any of his impulsive outbursts, but it had been there for a fair amount of time. That had gradually changed as he’d gotten to know Levi and he’d been exposed to the realities of their situation. He’d recognized the necessity and the animosity had evolved into a quiet appreciation. 

Levi had never been a particularly easy person to talk to and their first few encounters had consisted of little more than “yes sir”s, “no sir”s, and answers to any questions that were asked. Eren wasn’t sure when exactly it happened, but somewhere along the line, he’d managed to breach Levi’s walls just slightly. Nightly lock-ups were punctuated with modest conversation and the occasional dry joke. Levi had expressed genuine concern for Eren following the spoon incident and he’d comforted Eren (in his own way) when he’d explained that he’d chosen the squad for a reason. The most progress had _undeniably_  been made the day that they’d returned from the mission that had killed his squad, when Levi had assured Eren that it wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t needed to explicitly explain that he understood the way that Eren had been feeling, the way that he blamed himself and the abundance of guilt he’d carried. 

He thinks that perhaps, in his own way, Levi had gained comfort from him just as he had gained comfort from Levi. Their interactions from that point on had become a touch more intimate, with gentle banter, conversations, and even the occasional  _compliment_. They both understand each other on a level that others can’t and Eren knows this, he  _knows,_  even though Levi doesn’t communicate it directly. Eren isn’t alone, and right now, all he wants to do is sit down with Levi and know that someone gets it.

It takes a few more agonizing hours, but they finally get back to the castle, and it’s fairly deserted. Most of the returning soldiers head to the infirmary for treatment or to the barracks to rest and recuperate. Eren follows Mikasa to the infirmary to ensure that she’s alright, and when he feels comfortable with her condition, he starts immediately toward Levi’s office.

This isn’t something that he’s particularly used to doing and he isn’t entirely sure how he feels about it. He hasn’t ever actually stepped foot in Levi’s office. Levi has called him down on numerous occasions for a myriad of reasons, but Eren has either stood in the hallway or has been taken somewhere else to discuss anything that needed to be discussed. He has _certainly_  never approached his office on his own, and he’s a nervous wreck. All he can do is assure himself that he needs this, that he desperately needs to see Levi so that he can finally calm down and feel comfortable in his own skin. 

Or, at least, feel comfortable as he  _can_  feel in his own skin.

He knocks on the door hesitantly, three curt raps with his knuckle, and quietly calls, “Ah, Levi Heichou, sir? Could I have a word?” When his attempt is met with silence, he calls again, louder, “Sir? It’s Eren, are you there…?” He follows it up with another knock that makes the hinges creak and the door open slightly, just enough for Eren to see that it’s dark and empty. Disappointed and frustrated, he sighs and turns on his heel to leave, but he stops himself at the last second. 

It’s not a thought that he should entertain; in fact, it shouldn’t even cross his mind… He wants to see what’s inside of Levi’s office and now is the perfect opportunity. The castle is too empty for anyone to catch him, and Levi himself isn’t there to chastise him. This is an absolutely  _ideal_  situation and Eren knows that he’ll regret it in the future if he doesn’t take advantage of it. 

He scans the hallway on either side of him and, after ensuring that he’s alone, Eren extends a shaky hand to the door and pushes. It’s heavier than he’d expected but it opens just enough that he can slide inside. Using the light from the hall, he finds a desk with a small lantern and a small book of matches, lights it accordingly, and then closes the door behind him when he’s confident that his eyes have adjusted properly. 

Eren had expected something large and extravagant, something elegant, spotless, refined, and somewhat pretentious. While it is indeed larger than most of the personal rooms in the castle and even by lantern he can tell that it’s immaculate, it’s in no way fancy or indulgent. Levi’s bed, a mere full-size, sits in the far right corner and his desk is beside it, stacked neatly with papers and adorned with a small container of fountain pens and a few pencils. He has one wardrobe and a multi-shelved dresser, a tall mirror, and a small sofa opposite of his bed. None of them are particularly luxurious. He does, of course, have his own bathroom, which Eren isn’t particularly surprised by.

Still somewhat awestruck by the fact that he’s in Levi’s room, he stands in the center for a few moments and takes in his surroundings. It suddenly dawns on him that this is Levi’s sanctuary, where he spends the vast majority of his time and where he winds down every day. It feels incredibly personal and sacred, so much so that Eren feels like he is committing some sort of crime… but it doesn’t stop him from circling the room and absorbing it in any way he can. He traces the folds of Levi’s bedsheets with his fingers and savors the lingering scent for just a moment, the barely detectable hint of tea leaves and soap that embodies the corporal. It calms him down slightly, just enough that he can stop shaking and focus on the room around him. 

Eren moves to the dresser and scans its shelves, then his eyes settle on something small and polished in the corner of the ledge at his eye-level. He picks it up and turns it over in his hands, intrigued and somewhat surprised. It’s a locket: a small, ornate silver oval attached to a thin and surprisingly strong chain. His first reaction is to try to open it, it doesn’t yield to his efforts. In fact, he very nearly rips a layer of skin off of the tip of his thumb trying to pry its halves apart. He isn’t sure exactly what drives him to do so, but he pockets it and looks the room over one last time before he decides to leave.

He decides that he’ll use it as a reason to approach Levi when he finds out where he is. He’ll say that he found it on the floor somewhere and figured that Levi would know who it belongs to. While it’s a long shot and he knows that it’s risky, the potential benefits outweigh the risks. He already feels more relaxed with the cool metal pressed to his thigh through the fabric of his pants and knowing that things will work out for once.

Jean is the first person Eren stumbles upon while he continues scouring the castle. He’s having a lighthearted conversation with Armin and Sasha, which Eren interrupts rather shamelessly. “Hey, Jean. Have you see the corporal lately?” 

"…Why the hell would I have seen Levi lately? We just got here. Go check his office or something."

"I  _did,_ I’m not an idiot. He isn’t there and I’ve been walking around for a while. I can’t find him, hence why I asked.”

"I don’t keep tabs on your boyfriend, Jae-"

"My  _what?_  Excuse me?”

"You heard me. If you’d think for once, you’d know that I have no reason why I’d know where your fucking-"

"Eren!" Armin interrupts with a pained smile and places a hand on Eren’s shoulder, and the human contact makes his muscles relax. "The last I heard, he was still at the capital. That’s where he should be if he isn’t here, right? Don’t worry about it. You know, we were just talking about the fact that we received orders to go for debriefing. We’ll be up there in no time and you can find him." He smiles up and him with the intention of bringing him back down. Though he’s still frustrated, Armin’s assurances are enough to make him smile back.

They leave for the capital the next morning. Eren spent his night tossing and turning, and he’s incredibly tired as a result. So many faces had haunted his dreams: the face of dead soldiers, dead friends, dead family… They’d swirled around in his head until he’d made himself sick, and he’d been left shaking and upset with nobody to talk to. It wasn’t as though he’d been able to talk about it to anyone, either. He hadn’t been given the chance to have anyone to calm down with. They’d still insisted on locking him up. 

Eren understood why, he really did. His shifting was still fairly unpredictable and he didn’t have complete control over it. The loneliness that it caused was something that he’d grown to accept. He did find himself bothered the fact that someone else had been given the job of locking him up, though. The issue wasn’t that he’d had a problem with the person who’d been assigned to him, not at all. The experience just wasn’t the same without Levi. It felt unnatural and wrong, somehow, like he’d been doing something against the rules. The atmosphere had been unfamiliar and it had put him on edge, it’d made him more frustrated and worried than usual. Since he’d already been thrown off-kilter, the loneliness had been an issue for him that night. 

He never thought he’d ever miss having the corporal lock him up, but he had. 

The journey to the capital is long and Eren can’t help how impatient he feels. He’s still a bit tense and he feels like he someone could set him off at any moment, so he tries to steer clear of the people around him that irritate him. Mikasa accompanies them all despite her injuries, and she even goes as far as walking for a good portion of the distance before Eren forces her back in the cart to rest. She can sense that something is wrong with him, but he refuses to let her in and it visibly frustrates her. He can’t stand seeing her worked up because of him, but his patience has already worn thin and he just can’t handle it, not today. He doesn’t want to make analogies and comparisons for the sake of helping other people understand him, he wants to be understood right away but that’s not realistic. His mind is set on talking to Levi and his stubbornness refuses to let him settle for anyone else.

Upon arriving, Eren’s agitation is almost tangible. He can’t stop fidgeting while the higher-ups are talking because he’s on edge and his mind is elsewhere. His attention is only recaptured when they’re told that they will be accompanying Levi again and his new squad. All of them. Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, and Connie. 

_Eren will be on Levi’s team again and he’ll be surrounded by his friends._

It’s… bittersweet. He has a lot to worry about, obviously, but this is his family. These people are the closest thing to family that he has, at least, and having them close again will be refreshing. He’ll be surrounded by the people he loves and the likelihood of tragedy is always on his mind, but he’ll do everything in his power to protect them.

This won’t be a repeat of last time. He won’t let his squad die.

Everyone is a mixture of nervous, excited, and intimidated at the news. They’re obviously thrilled to be back with Eren and assigned to a squad where they’re all together, but they’re certainly worried about having Levi as a squad leader. 

 _Oh, Levi._  Eren is hit with the realization that he still needs to find him.

With one hand in his pocket trying to pry open the locket yet again, he waits until his friends aren’t paying attention to him and uses the first opportunity he gets to sneak away. He isn’t particularly familiar with the capitol castle and for a sizable chunk of time he just follows people around and tries to locate someone who looks like they know where they’re going. It ultimately comes down to guessing-and-checking; he goes from wing to wing until he gets frustrated enough to ask someone where he needs to go. One man in particular catches his eye as he steps out of a room amidst a handful of other people, and Eren flags him down.

"Excuse me, do you have any idea where I can find Corporal Levi?"

The man meets his eyes for a moment and hesitates. His face falls and he frowns, casts his eyes to the ground, and turns away in silence to continue walking. Thinking that he didn’t hear his question, Eren repeats it again, this time louder. Once again, he’s met with silence, and it frustrates him. “Did you hear me? I need to find Levi. Where do I need to go?” After another few moments of silence, Eren loses his temper and throws the man against the wall. Clearly caught off guard, he hits the stone hard and lets out a startled cry that Eren silences with a hand. “I asked you a fucking question.”

"H-He’s not here."

"What? Did he go back already? That’s impossible. He’s supposed to be here."

"No, I… I’m not supposed to talk about this. Do I have to call someone to have you restrai-"

"Talk about  _what_? I just need to find him, why is this so difficult? Tell me where he is, it’s not like I need to lead me to him or anything. I can get there myself.” The man turns his entire head and stares at the wall, trembling. Eren narrows his eyes and hisses, “I have no problem shifting right now, you piece of shit. I need to talk to him.”

"Hold on! Levi’s dead, we got word of it early this morning!"

"Would you just tell me where he is? This is ridiculous."

"He’s  _dead_. I wouldn’t joke about this.”

Eren’s entire body goes numb and he feels his breath catch in his throat; disbelief settles in the pit of his stomach like lead and he wants to vomit. Dead? The word rarely elicits a response from him anymore because it’s so commonplace in his life, but this is very different. He can’t stop his hands from trembling and his vision is unpleasantly unfocused, the man in front of him is little more than fuzzy, disjointed shapes and colors. 

"You’re trying to tell me Corporal Levi is dead? Nice try."

"I know it’s hard to believe, but I wouldn’t-"

"Levi isn’t dead."

Eren can’t determine if he’s saying it because he genuinely doesn’t believe that he’s dead or if he’s just trying to  _convince_  himself that it isn’t true, that this man is mistaken and Levi’s off being an asshole somewhere in the castle. This is a joke, it has to be. Levi can’t be dead. Once he can move his body again, Eren snaps his hand away from the collar of the man’s shirt and turns on a heel toward a hallway that he hasn’t checked yet. 

_Levi isn’t dead._

He approaches a tall wooden door, knocks, and swings it open with some difficulty. When he’s met with an empty room, he bites his lip and pulls the door shut slowly enough that it doesn’t make a sound beyond a faint  _click_. He opens the next door and calls Levi’s name quietly, and the dismayed profiles of two seated soldiers answer his plea, neither of whom are the one he wants.

_Levi isn’t dead._

His pace quickens and his voice rises in volume with every room he enters that’s void of Levi’s figure. His chest aches so much that it’s hard to breathe, and every inhale comes as a ragged gasp. The chain of the locket digs into his palm because he’s clenching it so tightly and he can feel the metal threatening to tear into his skin.

_Levi isn’t dead._

Eyes of soldiers and squad leaders meet his with grave understanding and it horrifies him to know that he  _recognizes_ that look. He knows what mourning looks like, this is the same expression that he has seen hundreds of thousands of people wear in the last few years. He’s seen this grief in Armin’s eyes before, when he’d lost his grandfather. He’s seen it in Mikasa’s eyes, too, when she’d lost her parents. In Jean’s eyes when he’d been talking about Marco. In Levi’s eyes when he’d seen his fallen squad. 

"Levi?!" The voice doesn’t really sound like his own; it’s strained, raspy, forceful, and distant. His eyes burn but he continues to tear through the castles, throwing doors open and calling—no,  _screaming_ — Levi’s name. It’s sinking in now and he can’t see past the tears, the tears of rage and frustration and desperation. A part of him still outright refuses to believe it and he continues shoving doors open and looking frantically from face to face, searching for the uninterested grey eyes that he’s become so used to seeing. People around him have stopped walking and they’re staring at him, whispering between each other with a mixture of concern and pity. 

He’s running out of places to look. As Eren tears away from the hallway to sprint to a different wing, two soldiers catch him by the shoulders and hold him back. He struggles against them until he doesn’t have the strength to do so anymore, until the strain he puts on his body is too much to handle and he collapses on shaky legs and falls to his knees, arms still held out by the soldiers.

"Get off of me, get the fuck off of me, he’s not dead. He was safe, he didn’t die. He can’t. Get  _off_!” He rips his arms away and falls forward onto the floor, elbows locked, with his hands holding his body up. The corporal is too capable to be dead. He was out for an injury. Eren had been  _so selfishly relieved_  that he’d been out for an injury, knowing that it meant that he couldn’t die in the field. This has to be a mistake because it makes no sense. There isn’t any fighting out here, there weren’t titans and he couldn’t have gone out to fight anyway, not with his leg. He can’t be dead. 

Another wave of adrenaline courses through his body and he heaves himself up to his feet, stumbles a bit while he tries to balance himself, and pushes through the small crowd that has gathered around him. There’s whispering, quiet exchanges of 

_"Is he really dead?"_

and  _"Isn’t that Eren Jaeger? Did he have something to do with it?"_  

One person in particular utters, “Looks like humanity’s strongest isn’t so strong anymore,” and Eren launches at his throat, throwing him to the floor and landing on top of him with a knee pressing hard into his upper chest.

"Don’t you  _dare_ insult the corporal,” he snarls and moves his knee up the the man’s throat, digging even harder into base of his neck. The man chokes beneath him, grasps his leg and weakly tries to push it off. Only then is Eren pulled off, restrained, and hauled up to be pressed against the wall. Someone takes a handful of his hair and shoves his face into the stone to immobilize him, and he can taste the blood dripping from his nose after the impact. The blood that’s mixing with unwelcome tears. 

"How?" Eren croaks.

"How what?"

"How did he die?" He squeezes his eyes squeezed shut out of unwillingness to accept anything that’s occurring around him. Someone’s grip in his hair loosens and shortly afterward the other hands on his body follow, which allows him to sink back to his knees and lean forward into the wall. "Tell me how he died."

His hands fall into his lap and he peers down at them, then leans and presses his forehead against the wall. The locket is still in his palm and it left deep imprints behind as a result of how hard he’d been clenching it. 

"We aren’t-"

"Why didn’t someone say something? Who let him fight? He was injured, he shouldn’t have been allowed to fight. Why didn’t anyone stop him?" The man behind him falls silent and Eren turns his head to look back at him. Fury seethes from his words when he growls, "Why the  _fuck_  was he allowed to fight? You let him die!” He’s back on his feet again, blinded by rage, and he lunges for the nearest official to him with a clawed hand aimed directly at their throat. Eren doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore, but he hears the man fighting for air under his grip. All he wants for is someone to pay for Levi’s death, a death that shouldn’t have occurred under any circumstances at this point in time. He digs his fingers into the sinews and muscle in his neck and _revels_  in the sound of him choking for a moment before he feels a pressure in his back followed by a sharp jolt of pain beneath his shoulder blade. The force sends him toppling forward onto his hands and knees again, then another more blunt force to his side winds him and sprawls him out on his side. He isn’t able to balance himself because almost immediately after his body hits the ground he’s barraged with a series of what he discovers to be kicks.

A sickening crack signifies the exact moment when his nose breaks. A deeper, heavier pop tells him that his shoulder is dislocated, another crack comes when someone digs a heel into his collarbone, and he can’t hear anything else after that because something muffles the sound in his right ear.

Blood, probably.

Eren tries to prop himself up on his elbow but a foot promptly kicks it out from beneath him and he’s sent face-first into the stone floor. He’ll be  _damned_  if he goes out without a fight, but there are too many of them, too many blows at once and not enough time to gather himself or his thoughts.

He can barely think at all.

His jaw dislocates and the only thing that he can taste is the metallic tang of blood; he spits to the side and shifts so that his arms are as close to covering his head as he can raise them. It doesn’t help. He’s lightheaded and his eyes are swollen shut, but even without his vision he can feel a distinct darkness eating away at the edges of his thoughts. The kicks aren’t relenting and he’s losing consciousness quickly.

"Levi!"

He doesn’t know why he does it. The call is about as useless as useless can be, but he doesn’t care, it’s all his half-conscious mind can manage. It’s out of his mouth before he knows what he said. After that, it’s all he  _can_  say, just a wave of cracked and rasping “Corporal”s and “Levi”s that do nothing. Levi’s gone. There isn’t anyone that can help him right now.

The last lucid idea he has is to shift. He brings his hand down to his mouth and sinks his teeth into the flesh beneath his thumb over and over and over again, but nothing happens. He bites the skin raw but nothing happens, he doesn’t have a focused enough goal. In fact, he can’t focus enough to  _have_  a goal. His awareness is gone.

Once he closes his eyes to the consecutive hits, he doesn’t have the energy to open them again. Levi’s name is still on his lips, mechanically coughed through spitting blood until his body and mind finally give out.

 

* * *

 

His eyes flutter open and he immediately realizes that he can’t move his arms.

His body has healed already but it still feels bizarre, as it usually does after it regenerates. That in tandem with the grogginess he gets just after waking up makes it difficult for him to understand his partial paralysis for just over a minute, until he has sense enough to look around and take in his environment.

Eren’s wrists are cuffed and his arms are held above his head, against a cold stone wall. There isn’t a bed beneath him, this isn’t his room. This cell is small, cold, and empty; he’s on the floor instead of a bed. It’s clear to him that his comfort wasn’t of consequence when they’d decided to put him here.

It takes a little bit longer for the circumstances of his imprisonment to come back to him, but when it does, the emotional turmoil returns with a vengeance. Levi’s dead and there isn’t a goddamn thing he can do about it,  _especially_ since he’s being detained. 

How long has he even been here? He lets out a soft groan and it’s raspy, dry, and it stings his throat. He’s hungry and thirsty, so thirsty. “Hello?” 

Silence.

"Anyone?"

There are a few more seconds of silence and he very nearly gives up when a familiar voice sends a wave up relief through his body. “Eren? You’re finally awake?” Hanji pushes the door in the corner of the room open and closes it so quietly that Eren doesn’t even hear it click. He opens his mouth to greet her but hesitates the  _moment_  he sees her face and the deep lines of worry above and between her brows.

"What’s wrong?" There’s no time nor any need for formalities. She meets his eyes and forces a small smile then sighs, kneeling in front of him.

"I’m not supposed to be here for much longer, so I need to make this quick. Alright?" Eren can only nod, and she continues, "I’m not going to sugarcoat this. They told you that Levi’s dead, right?" Another nod. "What did they tell you about the circumstances?"

"Ah…" Eren closes his eyes to focus and think back to what happened before they’d knocked him out. It makes his head hurt and the details are fuzzy, but he recalls asking how Levi had died. Had anyone actually told him? He vaguely remembers something about them letting him fight, but he doesn’t know for sure if he’d validated that or not. "I don’t think they told me anything."

Hanji sighs and buries her face in her hands. Eren can almost feel how tense she is just by looking at her, he hasn’t ever seen her dark circles look this terrible and she looks so much older than he remembers. “He didn’t die in battle. Well… I take that back, he didn’t die fighting titans.”

"… What?"

"Levi died within these walls. They say that they’re doing an investigation, but I’m almost positive that there’s foul play involved. It was a homicide and something tells me that it was arranged from the inside."

"From the inside? You mean that  _officials_  killed him?” The cell feels like it’s spinning around him. He doesn’t know how to process this information and he finds that it’s hard to even believe it. Eren doesn’t  _want_  to believe it. “Are you sure?”

"As I said, I’m almost positive." Everything about the way that she responds assures Eren that she genuinely believes what she’s telling him, and his blood runs cold. He nods weakly as an indication that he’s ready to listen. "I’ll start at the beginning. I was at the Garrison early this morning with Moblit, and Pastor Nick is dead. There were men there from the central division military police and we have reason to believe that they tortured and killed him. They were the ones to beat you, too, weren’t they? You were supposed to have been locked up in the castle in the Imperial Capital, but orders were given to send you to the Recon Corps Headquarters. The Military Police don’t know about your new squad assignment and they don’t know where we’ll be working from. I’ll explain more about that later, I know that that isn’t what you’re interested in hearing now." Eren notices that he fists are clenches so hard that her knuckles are white and her arms are shaking. "The story that they’re using is that Levi was targeted by a group of bandits within the city and killed, but I overheard the men at the Garrison discussing him. They didn’t know everything, but from what I gleaned, Levi had been out after dark. A group of them had ambushed him and they’d moved to some sort of alleyway to keep it out of the public eye-"

"Levi couldn’t have been killed by them, Hanji. There’s no way, he’s too strong, he couldn’t have. Besides, how would that help them? Isn’t that a stupid thing to do? Levi was the best we had."

"They’ve never seen us as equals, and Levi never got along with them. They don’t understand what the Scouting Legion does to keep their asses safe, all they’re worried about is their pride and you  _know_  that Levi wasn’t the easiest person to get along with. I doubt that he’s the only one they wanted to take out, but he was convenient for them. I never accused them of being intelligent because that’s an outright lie. There will be ramifications for what they’ve done because  _everyone_ will suffer. You’re absolutely right, he was the best we had, but Eren, Levi was human. He wasn’t invincible. I can only assume that they ensured that they sent enough men out to completely overwhelm him. I’m sure he put up one hell of a fight, those bastards deserved any and every blow that they received, but…” Her voice trails off and Eren can’t breathe properly.

"It wasn’t enough."

"Exactly. And then they boasted about it. They had the nerve to kick his body around when they were done and then gloat about it to the other members of the Military Police," She spits. 

Fresh anger spreads through his veins like wildfire and makes his fingertips tingle. They kicked the corporal’s dead body, the ultimate form of disrespect. Who the fuck does that? How dare they show such contempt for a man who has risked his life time and time again to preserve some sense of normalcy in their lives? Levi has undoubtedly been one of the most important members of the Recon Corps and he had singlehandedly killed too many titans to count. The fact that their lives were still intact was a direct result of Levi’s efforts. Eren has never been so utterly disgusted with anyone or anything in his entire life. He tries to move but the chains pull taut and he’s pulled back against the wall helplessly. “Those pieces of shit need to pay. They need to pay, Hanji, get me out of these fucking handcuffs and take me there. How  _dare_  they disrespect the corporal like that? Unlock me. Unlock me now.”

"They will pay for their actions, but right now we need to keep to ourselves and get to the cottage with the rest of the squad. Calm down. We need to be careful with this, we need to really plan what we do from this point on. I can’t let anything drastic happen right now, the situation is too fragile. We’ll need your abilities very soon. If you can keep yourself composed, Eren, I’ll remove your restraints and we can leave to meet up with everyone."

It’s easier said than done. He’s seething at this point, teeth clenched and fingernails tearing up pieces of skin, but he forces himself to take a few deep breaths and count himself back down. He can’t think about it without getting absolutely furious but it’s so difficult to focus on anything else. Eren trains his eyes on the far wall and inhales sharply, holds it, and exhales over the course of a few seconds. When Hanji decides that he no longer looks like he’s going to throttle somebody, she produces a small key from her pocket and removes the cuffs from around his wrists. He spends a few more seconds checking the patches of skin on his wrist bones that the heavy metal rubbed raw, then looks to her for further instruction.

"Let’s get going, then. Every second is crucial, we need to get started with our preparations and planning as soon as we can." By the time she finished her sentence she’s already across the room, ready to pull the door open. A quick glance behind her shoulder reveals that Eren is a heap on the floor, bent over his knees while staring down at the floor. "Eren? Are you coming?"

"He spent his entire life sacrificing himself for the sake of others and he didn’t even get an honorable death."

"Eren-"

"He didn’t even get a chance to say anything to anyone, Hanji. He did so much for the good of humanity and it meant absolutely nothing in the end. Death doesn’t discriminate, I fucking know that, but it’s just not right. He did _so much_  and they kicked his dead body? This isn’t fair. If he were to die, it should’ve been in the field. That’s how he would’ve wanted it. This is cowardly as hell, too. He was injured, Hanji, his ankle wasn’t even healed yet. What bothers me the most is that the details of his death aren’t even clear, and they probably aren’t clear to anyone except the ones who killed him. I’m sure they exaggerated things, so even what we know is probably partially speculation. We will  _never_  know what really happened.”

"There isn’t anything we can do about it now, all we can do is do what he’d always done and make sure that his death isn’t in vain."

"We need him.  _I_  need him, god fucking dammit! Everyone that I want in my life always dies and it’s my fault. Nobody understands that like he did, and now he’s just another example. I’m alone. I’m alone, Hanji, I’m fucking alone again and I swear to god I will kill them all. Every titan and every human abomination that had a part in his death.” The source of the tears streaming down his face is a melting pot of emotions that he can’t suppress any longer, years of frustration and loss consolidated only to come forth and bubble over all at once. “I want them back. I want my mom back, I want Hannes back, I want Marco back, I want Petra and Auruo and Erd and Gunter back. I want Levi back, Hanji, I want Levi back so much. They shouldn’t be dead, this is my own fucking fault.”

Eren bitterly watches his tears stain the stone floor until dark boots enter his periphery. He looks up and Hanji kneels down in front of him. He can’t discern whether or not the look she’s giving him is understanding or pity, but he isn’t able to dwell on it because she takes his right hand in her left and places a small object in the center of his palm, ruffles his hair, and stands again. “I won’t ask you why you had this in the first place, but you should hold onto it. I think you’ll benefit from possessing it most. Let’s go.”

Sitting in his open hand is the locket, still beautiful and still closed. The sight of it threatens to bring another unbearable wave of emotion, but he closes his fingers around it before he succumbs and gets to his feet. 

The titans will fall and they will pay. That’s all that he needs to worry about.

While following Hanji out of the castle, he absentmindedly slips a nail into the crevice between the two halves as a means of keeping his hands busy. He does it only because he knows from experience that it won’t open; he has no desire to see its contents knowing what he knows now. 

With fate’s attraction to cruelty along with his poor luck, it only makes sense that the slight swell of his thumbnail would catch onto something in the cranny and it finally split it open.

Morbid curiosity drives his actions and he peers down at the two halves in his palm. The left side is left empty, but… the right side contains a small photograph of Levi’s old squad. 

He needs to look away and breathe through a wave of nausea before he can look down again.

Petra and Auruo are seated on a bench, turned toward each other with open mouths, and Eren assumes that they’re bickering. It isn’t surprising. Erd and Gunter are also seated, watching the two with eyes wrinkled in amusement, and their smiles are as more carefree than Eren had ever personally seen them. Levi is standing to the side, arms crossed and expressionless, but Eren can see something in his eyes that catches him by surprise. It’s in the way that his brows slope upward together just slightly, the way his eyes are just a touch wider than usual. In this picture, his characteristically intense glare is so much softer than Eren is used to. It’s like a mild version of a normal person’s version of admiration.

The realization is one that he would’ve been better off without. It hits him how deeply Levi cared for his squad, how deeply Levi cared for everyone that was close to him. He’d never seem it because it was out of character for him to let it show, and that was a concept that Eren hadn’t fully understood until. He’d always been one of the few that had openly seen bits and pieces of that side of Levi, the side that had been kept under lock and key from everyone else. It had been a privilege that he’d never gotten to fully appreciate because the connection hadn’t been made until now.

Fresh tears form in the corners of his eyes and roll down the side of his nose yet again, and following a bitter chuckle, he wonders if he’ll ever run out.

 

* * *

 

"Guys? I’m going out for a little bit."

"Where are you going?" Sasha peers around the doorframe and watches Eren kick on a pair of shoes.

"Don’t worry about it, I’ll be back soon."

"Be back in time for dinner, okay? It’s a big meal tonight and we’ll need the help." 

"I know. I’ll be back."

He can see his breath when he closes the door behind him. This is the coldest winter they’ve had in years, and Eren hasn’t seen this much snow since he was a child. It’s impossible to deny that the fields around the cottage are beautiful, and now that they’re covered in a layer of glistening snow, it’s like something out of a dream.

( _No, if it were a dream, he’d be here._ )

The path he takes is a path that he could probably travel with his eyes closed, he’s been down it so often. It winds through the trees for a good few miles before it arrives at a clearing: a vast, open, sprawling plain that breaks off into housing and industrial buildings in the distance. There’s a small patch of somewhat uneven land near the tree line that Eren exits from and he approaches it as soon as he sees it. It’s marked by small, smooth white stones that Eren immediately recognizes as small shards of the wall. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here in a little while. Things have been pretty hectic with preparations lately, and everyone is still getting used to the cottage. It’s nice living with everyone again, I don’t think I ever thanked you for setting that up.”

He bends over and wipes away snow from one stone in particular, then sits on his knees in front of it. He thrusts his hands in his pockets afterward and shivers a little bit at the feeling of the damp grass through the knees of his trousers before he continues. “They did a really good job with your tombstone. I’m glad it’s finally here. The wooden marker they had before was in bad shape. I just… You know they don’t have any natural quarries within the walls that can spare extra stone, so they had to use some of the wall. I hope you don’t mind too much.” He traces the letters engraved in the stone absentmindedly, paying extra attention to the final date near the bottom. “Everyone is doing well. Things aren’t great and there haven’t been any breakthroughs, but we’re trying. Hanji is working so hard. The squad is, too. You’d be pleased with their cleaning efforts. It took some time, but they’re almost to your standards, I think. They remind me a lot of what the squad used to be sometimes…” 

Eren’s voice trails off and he feels a twinge of pain in his chest again when he thinks about it. It’s still an incredibly touchy subject for him. It does, however, remind him of what’s resting in his pocket and he grasps it tightly. “Anyway, that wasn’t why I came.” He doesn’t give himself time to think himself out of his actions; as soon as the last word is out of his mouth, he immediately starts to sing quietly. 

“ _Bon anniversaire, mes vœux les plus sincères_

_Que ces quelques fleurs vous apportent le bonheur_

_Que l’année entière vous soit douce et légère_

_Et que l’an fini, nous soyons tous réunis_

_Pour chanter en chœur: ‘Bon Anniversaire’.”_

"It’s Christmas, you know, so I… Ugh." He takes a deep breath and sighs, buries his face in his hands, and lowers his voice. "My pronunciation is really bad, but joyeux Noël, sir, and bon anniversaire. I didn’t forget." He can imagine Levi’s reaction to his French (which is admittedly crude at best): a raised eyebrow, narrowed eyes, crossed arms and a snarky remark about how a deaf three year old could’ve done better. Eren would’ve told him that he’d spent weeks asking around and learning it, and Levi would’ve responded with a comment about him wasting time he could’ve been spent doing productive things, like, oh, his work? It would’ve been a lighthearted jab, though, and Levi’s eyes would’ve softened like they had in that picture… Oh, that picture. He smiles sadly and leans forward, presses his forehead to the top of the stone, then whispers, "I have a gift for you. It’s not flowers, but I couldn’t get any since it’s winter. I feel like I should talk to you first, you know? There’s so much that I want to say and not enough time to say it. I know I’ve said it before, but those bastards will pay for what they did to you. Hanji wants us to lay low for a little while but she knows it can’t last long. Things are going to start happening soon and I  _will_  make them pay. Every single fucking one of them.” 

He can feel himself getting upset and he takes a deep breath and inhales it slowly. When he’s calmed down, he continues, “I make sure that the cottage stays clean for you. I think I finally get how you must’ve felt when people didn’t do it right, because I really notice it now. I really had to get on their asses about it for a long time since they didn’t feel it was necessary but when they realized that it was for you, they made a little bit more of an effort. Hanji and I make sure that we always save you a chair at the head of the table during meals and meetings and we always try to think about what you’d do in certain situations. It’s hard without you sometimes. It’s hard for everyone. It’s…  _really_  hard for me sometimes. I don’t think I ever told you, but it felt like you understood. Nobody else does, Corporal, and even though you didn’t really sit down and talk to me about anything, being around you was comforting. I’m lucky that I had the chance to serve under you, sir. Really, really lucky. There’s still so much that I want to say, but I don’t think that I should. Not today. Maybe another time, sir, when I have the right amount of time. You deserve it. Anyway, I need to get going, so I’ll just I’ll leave your gift here.” 

From within his pocket, he extracts the locket that he’d taken from Levi’s office and opens it, then places it on the frozen dirt at his feet. One half still holds a picture of Levi’s squad, but the other half is carefully fitted with a small picture of Eren smiling beside a disgruntled-looking Levi. Eren had always found comfort in Levi’s company and looking back, it had always seemed like the feeling had been mutual. Levi always seemed slightly less tense around Eren, he’d been able to talk and joke with him and he’d obviously cared for him. Levi had found comfort in him and he wants desperately for Levi to have that comfort in death, too.

"Tu me manques, Levi. Je serai là bientôt, attends-moi."


End file.
